I’m not negative, I’m a worrier a pretty pessimistic person really. I don’t mean to be but I guess every now and again I have short bursts of feeling at my lowest. I have so much on right now that’s exciting, but the pessimist in me can’t help but jump right to the front and shout ‘Hey! Don’t forget to worry first, don’t get too excited, look at those risks’.
One thing I’ve come to realise is that I apologise for so much, that sometimes I don’t even know what I’m apologising for! It could be bumping into someone in town ‘oh sorry!’ Or simply moving out the way of a queue ‘oh sorry’… there it is again. It’s become such a staple that it just blurts out, when a matter of fact I’m NOT sorry, I have nothing to be sorry about. I guess that’s my worrier friend, the pessimist in me popping out to say ‘oh hello’.
A lot of the time I’m a completely normal, happy and outgoing 25 year old woman, but on occasion I have the weeks or even months where I want to be left alone.
I’ve always found crowds a little off putting, I’ve never really been one of these people that spend their 20’s out round town at night, having a good drink and a good laugh. If I’m being honest, I don’t enjoy it, crowds of people, the pressure to drink and join in makes me anxious. I always feel bad for not going out, for saying ‘oh not this time’, but if I did I’d just be faking it. Don’t get me wrong I do enjoy meeting up with friends and spending time out and about, but in short bursts and I guess with people I only feel 100% comfortable in being myself with. I do feel that this part of me has contributed to relationship breakdowns, friendships drifting apart and I’ve always felt like it was my fault, that maybe I should just force it and fake being happy. As I’ve grown I’ve realised that ‘faking it’ and ‘forcing’ being someone your not is the wrong way to go about it. I’m tired of being sorry for not wanting to drink, not wanting to get stuck in a club full to the brim with sweaty smelly drunk people spilling their sticky drinks all over my lovely new boots…. yeah you heard it, I’m not sorry!
I love going for walks with my collie; Rex, the fresh brisk air, time to think and basically be away from people (I’m not ashamed to say it). One thing I’ve noticed is that I always do the smile and ‘good morning’ gesture to passing fellow dog walkers. I do mean this gesture, at this point I’m not faking it, because I love going for walks and spending time with my pooch, at this point I’m happy. Though you pass the one person that’s not, the one person you smile at as you pass, but doesn’t smile back. You instantly think ‘bit rude’, but is it?. People are entitled to *not smile* and have those low days, why should we feel sorry about not smiling.
I get told this a lot, (you know who you are if your reading this). I get told to ‘smile more’. Don’t get me wrong I smile, Cheshire Cat smile! A lot of the time I’m happy, bubbly, excited about life, but sometimes I’m not. Sometimes I am but just show no emotion on the outside, and that’s when I’m told to ‘smile’. It can get a tad annoying, why do I have to smile, why do I have to play pretend. I’ve come to accept that it’s totally okay not smiling, if your genuinely not having a good day, then don’t fake a smile. If your days fine and on the inside your happy, don’t feel obliged to smile on the outside. I guess I’ve come to feeling a little sick and tired of being ‘fake happy’, apologising and feeling bad about being who I am.
A couple months ago, I decided what avenue I was taking for my career, for years I’ve worked with animals and I’ve always known it’s always going to be animals. I’m currently working on my business plan, booked myself onto the appropriate training courses, and mid to the end of 2018 I hope to be self employed and running my own business.
My physical and mental health has been a little low, I always try and focus on getting better before putting more pressure on myself. My mental health is always the reason why I stop myself from achieving my dreams, my worries are always at the forefront of my mind. Yeah people around me sometimes have their doubts, shake their heads at my dreams, and this is also a huge reason why I worry so much and feel so bad about things, maybe I worry too much about what people may think.
The last week or so, I’ve been m.i.a on social media and my blog, I’ve had so much going on in my head that I haven’t felt in the right state of mind to sit down and write. I panicked at the beginning because people enjoy reading my blog and I worry they’ll give up on me. We’re all entitled to our ‘less creative weeks or months’, I never want to force what I write just to have constant content. My blog is my hobby, my baby, and I don’t want to feel sorry for those weeks and months where I just want to step away from it all to clear my head, or focus on my life, my career.
I guess what I’m trying to get at here is that we don’t have to feel bad about not feeling happy or feeling a little fed up and lost from time to time. I’ve spoken to so many people and fellow bloggers that have gone or go through the same ‘low points’ as me. The more I took time off (in my head), the more I could feel my mind becoming calmer and the more I came to think of those times where I fake being happy. It doesn’t have to be something big not being happy, it’s just those little fed up type moments, or those situations that make me anxious, things I don’t necessarily enjoy but feel obligated to take part in to please those around me.
i guess we all ‘fake happy’ at some point, but the more I thought about it, the more I came to realise that sometimes it was my trigger. Instead of just being me and acting the way I felt I forced a smile when I really didn’t want to, I went on a night out when on the inside I was screaming to leave, I worried to the point it made me ill.
So I’ve decided to listen to myself more, instead of being ‘fake happy’ I’m going to just go with it. I’m going to:
- stop saying sorry (but only if it’s unnecessary, I’m too nice of a person to never say sorry)
- remember if people don’t smile back, it’s not because their being rude, maybe their just having a bad day.
- Don’t smile if I don’t feel like it.
- Never feel forced.
- Take more mental breaks.
- Worry less, life is meant to be lived!
- Don’t feel bad for feeling fed up, life’s hard your entitled to take a break.
- Stress less!
id love to know if any of you feel these things, have you ever ‘faked happy’? what action have you taken? Have you found a balance!